Print ArticleLast week a woman called my phone and asked breathlessly, "Is this where I learn to get more attention?" For a moment, I was actually stunned. Then I asked her why she had called my number. She answered that sheīd bought my book and wanted to know when it would be delivered. Now I was with her. I told her that I had sent it out, so sheīd have it soon.
When I put the phone down, I really was hit by the intensity of her question. Iīve worked in the arena of attention for almost two decades, so Iīve had abundant questions, heard lots of stories, and seen the impact of lots of positive and negative attention. Attention is the most important factor in our lives, and somehow, its impact remains the best kept secret in town.
People die for attention, they kill for attention, they eat for attention, they get tattooed for attention, they pout, cry, withdraw for attention, or for the lack of it. The word attention is a main stream word, which most people use or see every day in one way or another. However, Iīve discovered itīs much more than just a word. I had an epiphany over that particular word, when I was searching for the role Iīd played in my sonīs dysfunctional behavior. I saw it, the word, dimensionally. Today, after much research, many conversations, and mega time thinking, writing and speaking about it around the world, I know that positive attention is what everyone of us needs, wants, and acts out for.
The kind of attention we get is the root cause of our behavior and our feelings, forever.
Back to the woman on the phone. She had sent for my Work/Discovery Book. It still works its magic after being on the market several years. But it has empty pages in it which brings numerous instant responses, from irate to grateful, from positive to negative. Writing in it does take time, thought, confronting, remembering and most of all, it motivates self-responsibility. Iīve gotten fabulous responses from people who understand why they yell at their wives, why their kids donīt talk to them, why their marriages havenīt worked. And I get people telling me that it was a waste of their money.
I offer some of my expertise to these people, who seem shocked, thank me and usually never write or call me back. At least, I see readersī comments as opportunities for me to share what I know. Attention is with us 24/7; there are reams of research that show that attention is our core need. Iīve seen families change their communication and relationship skills in days after doing my work. Iīve had notes from around the world commenting on seeing their lives in a way they never had before.
Kids can recover from ADHD and ADD when they receive special attention that fits their special attention deficit needs. Sometimes itīs physical repair or abundant exposure to visual and often auditory experiences. Patients heal faster and live longer when they receive wonderful, positive attention from their medical practitioners, their families, their friends. Often pets give attention where itīs needed the most and in such a non-judgmental, loving way.
We need to take some action in this arena. First, we all have to learn to ask for the very kind of attention that we need, because if we continue to expect others just to automatically know, we will be constantly disappointed, angry, and often withdraw into pitying ourselves or acting in passive-aggressive ways. Some people even get ill to get attention. I read on my quest that a manīs tumor started to shrink, before his surgery, when he got extended, unexpected attention from his physician.
The kind of attention we get in our childhoods lives with us forever. Tatum OīNeal, Christian Bale and the majority of the rest of us never got the kind of attention we needed, because our parents never got the kind they needed. We never saw appropriate role-modeling for this behavior. This is a generational phenomenon; attention systems, the good and bad, just keep getting handed down in families and show up everywhere, at work, in relationships, within ourselves. Kids need positive, appropriate, thoughtful attention to become energetic, healthy, creative and productive adults. Tiger Woods comes to mind right now as being an obvious example of this kind of parenting. There are others, of course, in the worlds of art, music, dance, medicine who also got the personal attention they needed to make their marks, to go on to give back the same to others.
How do we know what kind of attention kids need? Watch them, listen to them, engage them and sometimes, just ask them what kind of attention they want from us!
When I put the phone down, I really was hit by the intensity of her question. Iīve worked in the arena of attention for almost two decades, so Iīve had abundant questions, heard lots of stories, and seen the impact of lots of positive and negative attention. Attention is the most important factor in our lives, and somehow, its impact remains the best kept secret in town.
People die for attention, they kill for attention, they eat for attention, they get tattooed for attention, they pout, cry, withdraw for attention, or for the lack of it. The word attention is a main stream word, which most people use or see every day in one way or another. However, Iīve discovered itīs much more than just a word. I had an epiphany over that particular word, when I was searching for the role Iīd played in my sonīs dysfunctional behavior. I saw it, the word, dimensionally. Today, after much research, many conversations, and mega time thinking, writing and speaking about it around the world, I know that positive attention is what everyone of us needs, wants, and acts out for.
The kind of attention we get is the root cause of our behavior and our feelings, forever.
Back to the woman on the phone. She had sent for my Work/Discovery Book. It still works its magic after being on the market several years. But it has empty pages in it which brings numerous instant responses, from irate to grateful, from positive to negative. Writing in it does take time, thought, confronting, remembering and most of all, it motivates self-responsibility. Iīve gotten fabulous responses from people who understand why they yell at their wives, why their kids donīt talk to them, why their marriages havenīt worked. And I get people telling me that it was a waste of their money.
I offer some of my expertise to these people, who seem shocked, thank me and usually never write or call me back. At least, I see readersī comments as opportunities for me to share what I know. Attention is with us 24/7; there are reams of research that show that attention is our core need. Iīve seen families change their communication and relationship skills in days after doing my work. Iīve had notes from around the world commenting on seeing their lives in a way they never had before.
Kids can recover from ADHD and ADD when they receive special attention that fits their special attention deficit needs. Sometimes itīs physical repair or abundant exposure to visual and often auditory experiences. Patients heal faster and live longer when they receive wonderful, positive attention from their medical practitioners, their families, their friends. Often pets give attention where itīs needed the most and in such a non-judgmental, loving way.
We need to take some action in this arena. First, we all have to learn to ask for the very kind of attention that we need, because if we continue to expect others just to automatically know, we will be constantly disappointed, angry, and often withdraw into pitying ourselves or acting in passive-aggressive ways. Some people even get ill to get attention. I read on my quest that a manīs tumor started to shrink, before his surgery, when he got extended, unexpected attention from his physician.
The kind of attention we get in our childhoods lives with us forever. Tatum OīNeal, Christian Bale and the majority of the rest of us never got the kind of attention we needed, because our parents never got the kind they needed. We never saw appropriate role-modeling for this behavior. This is a generational phenomenon; attention systems, the good and bad, just keep getting handed down in families and show up everywhere, at work, in relationships, within ourselves. Kids need positive, appropriate, thoughtful attention to become energetic, healthy, creative and productive adults. Tiger Woods comes to mind right now as being an obvious example of this kind of parenting. There are others, of course, in the worlds of art, music, dance, medicine who also got the personal attention they needed to make their marks, to go on to give back the same to others.
How do we know what kind of attention kids need? Watch them, listen to them, engage them and sometimes, just ask them what kind of attention they want from us!
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